1. My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do? Take his bike away.

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2. When do kangaroos celebrate their birthdays? During Leap Year.

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3. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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4. What are the three fastest means of communication? Internet, telephone, telawoman.

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5. What kind of job is it easy to stick to? Working in a glue factory.

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6. What are the wettest animals in the world? Reindeer.

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7. Why do birds fly south in winter? Because it's to far to walk.

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8. What kind of cookies do baby monkeys have with their milk? Chocolate chimp!

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9. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitus!.

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10. What weighs three tonnes, has tusks, and loves pepperoni pizza? An Italian circus elephant.

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11. Why do giraffes find it difficult to apologise? It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

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12. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

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13. What's the difference between a locomotive engineer and a school teacher? One minds the train, and the other trains the mind.

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14. How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold his nose.

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15. Why do birds fly south in winter? Because it's too far to walk.

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16. What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks!

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17. What does the aardvark call his dog?Aard-bark!

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18. What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote?One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!

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19. Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants?Ronald MacAardvark!

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20. What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium?An aard-shark!

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21. What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?

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22. Do steam rollers really roll steam?

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23. Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive?

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24. Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?

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25. Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?

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26. The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "Youve got to help me! Theres a giant gray thing in my yard, and its pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "Whats he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldnt believe me!"

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27. What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!

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28. Why didnt the two worms go into Noahs ark in an apple?Because everyone had to go in pairs!

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29. What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm!

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30. First apple: You look down in the dumps. Whats eating you? Second apple: Worms, I think.

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31. Why are bananas never lonely? Because they hang around in bunches.

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32. How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

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33. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

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34. Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I dont know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas cant talk.

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35. Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!

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36. A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, Im Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, Im Jesus Christ. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, No, son, Im Jesus Christ. The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, youre here again?

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37. A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick!"] The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says " Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast." The man says " well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have." The bartender says " Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?" The man looks at him and says " Fifty cents."

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38. One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling... "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

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39. A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or Ill break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees.On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they cant get the case closed. "Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but cant shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case.After a little thought the man says "Ok well both get on top see if thats any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"

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40. David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that werent expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the birds attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Davids extended arm and said: "Im sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiven ess. I will try to correct my behavior." David was astounded at the birds change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

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41. Q: Why do hens lay eggs?A: If they dropped them, theyd break

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42. Q: What is a crowbar?A: A place were crows go to get a drink!

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43. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?A: To prove he wasnt chicken.

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44. A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"She said, "Id love to be ten again."On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

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45. A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,"Ill buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesnt get her anything.She says, "Why didnt you get me a birthday present!?"He replies, "You didnt use what I got you last year!"

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46. Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks. Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!

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47. First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday? Second boy: No, Im having a witch do. First boy: Whats a witch do? Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.

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48. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho-path.

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49. What animals are poor dancers? Four-legged ones, because they have two left feet.

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50. "Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." "Next time, take off the candles."

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